Some Dits

Highlights of some of the dits received by the team so far – so dont be scared share and laugh – click HERE to send us your dit

From: Anon

Back in Osnabruck, Germany in the BAOR days cicra 1980’s Iwas a CSgt serving with 1 Green Howards. Our RSM was a guy called Holliday-Doc to his mates, sir to everyone else. A great bloke with a good sense of humour. Together we hatched a plan to play a joke on another csgt and absolute legend Pete Toker.

In the early hours of the morning while Pete was on duty and out of his room in the mess two of us sneaked in through an open window and stole Petes prized possession and best mate- a little budgie who went by the name of Doc, so called after the RSM. We left a ransom note in Doc’s cage demanding an orange handbag for his safe return which had to be delivered to the middle of the battalion square at 1200 the next day.

Pete, who was distraught at the loss of his little feathered mate dually approached the RV with the crate of beer at the designated time. In the middle of the square there was a 432 parked with all insignia covered up. Four men appeared from within wearing full NBC kit, took the beer and instructed Pete to go to the RSM’s office where his budgie was being held and it would be handed over unharmed. Pete knocked on the office door and was called in.

The RSM (who was in on the prank) claimed he didn’t have a clue what Pete was talking about. Pete who by now was almost on the verge of tears was then asked by the RSM what the budgie was called…’Doc’ replied Pete. The RSM exploded at this namesake and tore a few strips off Pete before chasing him out of his office.

Meanwhile the budgie kidnappers returned Doc the budgie safely back to his cage. Pete got back to his room bewildered about what had just occurred but was over joyed to see his feathered friend was back safe and sound with no harm done. The very next day Doc the budgie keeled over, fell off his perch and died.

From: Paddy

I got taken out on the piss in Roermond with a couple of mates of mine. Having had a skinful, one of them decided that tonight was the night that I should be introduced to Absinthe. The bartender did ask if we were absolutely sure if we wanted to do it, absolutely says I. He then pours out a shot of Absinthe, on to the sugar cube on its spoon. Once it was all dissolved in to the shot glass I necked it as I would any shot. And that dear readers, is the last that I remember from that particular evening. The next morning, whilst conversing over a full English and a pint of lager livener I asked my friends what had happened last night as I don’t remember anything after the shot. “Well, you went for a piss then when you got back from the toilets you walked outside. We thought you just needed some fresh air, it was only when the Dutch people in the bar started shouting and pointing out of the windows that we knew something was up”


“Oh fuck”, says I, “what was I doing? I wasn’t pissing in the street was I?”

“No no, nothing like that. Well outside the bar, in the square, are dozens of metal chairs and tables from all the other bars. You must have decided that you wanted one of these chairs and was going to take it home. When we got outside the bar, you had one of these chairs over your shoulder and was walking across the square, what you didn’t realise was that everything was chained together to stop people from stealing them, and you were dragging another 40 behind you. We managed to get you in to a cab just as the Dutch Police turned up”

“Good night then!”

From: Anon

After leaving the army I went to stay with my brother and sister in law in Osnabruck, Germany. He was still serving with the Green Howards at the time. After a night out with our ladies in the local town we were staggering back home when we needed to relieve some of the delicious German beer at the side of the road in some nearby bushes. While syphoning the pythons to my horror i spotted an emaciated naked body in a ditch below the bushes. We found the nearest phone box and called the guard who sent out the RMPs. The RMP’s and German police turned up within minutes all guns blazing with sniffer dogs, blue lights, caution tape the whole shebang. We pointed to where the naked body was and the German police with a dog went to investigate. Seems  we were drunker than we thought as the dead naked body was an inflatable sex doll with a slow puncture. I blame the local beer.

From: Anon

Coming to the end of a week of nightguards and delirious with lack of sleep i halted a large black fancy looking car at the gate and asked for ID. The driver was wearing a smart suit and had a peaked hat on. He indicated with his head to the the lady sat in the back seat. It was Queen Elizabeth. She didn’t seem to mind too much and my oppo waved the car through. About an hour later I was stood on the square on parade while the Queen was walking along the ranks with our brigadier and a few other officers. As I’m of a short stature I was in the front rank. The Queen chatted to a few soldiers and made her way along, stopping, chatting, moving on. When she reached me I hoped she’d walk past. She stopped in front of me (we’re around the same height) looked me directly in the eye and said ‘oh, you again’. I replied ‘yes ma’am’ and she carried on her way. She did have a wry smile and a twinkle in her eye and from that day on I was the known as the one who asked the boss for ID and wherever I went I was met with a chorus of ‘oh, you again’.

From: Steve

Whilst living in a humble Sangin PB, we sat one night playing cards and chatting absolute bollocks. Our medic (“Linda” name changed) was duty NCO on the PRR, and checking in with the lads.
She decided that she would play a sneaky surprise on one of the lads (“Dave”) by climbing up the Sanger ladder and making him jump. To her horror, she found “Dave”, NVG’s on, pants round ankles, covering his arcs whilst practicing the five finger shuffle as he listened to her voice. The screams and almost free-fall descent down the ladder made us all panic, only to end up dying with  laughter as she told us what “the dirty bastard” had been up to.
This was massively improved by the “Sanger Wanker” getting a shout out from the comedian, in front of the entire audience, at the decompression show in Cyprus on the way home…. outstanding!